A Funny Thing Happened To Charlton Heston On the Way to The 2012 Election

On the way to the 2012 election, people have lost their way. Lost their way in a final and desperate attempt to protect their inner-primal beliefs (from a voodoo, ratings eating, witchdoctor, hobgoblin-created collection of paranoid threats) as if they were being attacked at the Alamo by a giant, tequila-scented, atheist Care Bear from outer space – lost… scared… very confused – and spiritually incapable of determining whether it’s dusk or dawn.

While some say George W. Bush ambled into the Presidency and Barack Obama soared there, the 2012 race to win the White House has mutated into a more fundamentally American mode of transportation: Demolition Derby.

Since the 2010 midterm elections we (the relational we, and the fractured “as a country” we) have learned an awful lot (of awful) about the two major political parties and their base supporters. Most of this learnin’ has not been pretty… more like inspecting shiny turds with concealing white top coats ( in multiple forms: tuxedo, makeup, and turd-bacterial ) that have forced a social polarization we haven’t seen since the 1960’s.

On a more individual basis, we have re-discovered our caveman DNA memory (if you believe in such a thing) that dwindles down to a primate-like instinct: protect one’s own cave. It’s not merely matters light-beer-filtered and bumper-stickered-down to republicans hate democrats, or democrats hate republicans, or college students love Ron Paul because they haven’t had to pay their own utility or health insurance costs yet – it’s become primal – and wholly without proper labels extending beyond the most remedial sense of “the other.”

95% of the time, the typical American is perfectly happy rolling around on his or her shock absorbers and not paying much attention to that thing that makes our country a country: the US Government. During the the 2012 election, however, many more people are paying attention in a manner more intense than voting straight down party lines on an absentee ballot… we’ve started to fence in ( out ) our neighborhoods, protecting what we see as our personal community beliefs – not only guarding, but proactively keeping people away from our caves. Pre-emptive attacks have scurried from Baghdad night-vision cameras and entered into the everyday office discussion about the day’s events. For a disturbingly large number of people the concept of “The United States” has mutated from “Us” to “Me and my own.” They are the MMO (pronounced as if a mid-western cow were swallowing its own moo due to an embarrassing case of intolerance) of America, not the US of America. (… yes… that was a bit cliche, but so is ranting about politics in a blog post.)

The 2012 election has helped Americans become more in tune with their inner ape.

No, we do not currently have a lost manned mission to Mars whose captain will come back to find Charlton Heston profoundly confused as to whether or not he is in a Monkey Movie, a Ten Commandments Sun God remake, or an NRA Convention… but there are some primal, protective instincts that are serving as an instinctual defense mechanism of “our house” that have four-leggedly crept into the tenor, tone and tempo of the American political dialog (if you believe in such a thing).

The 2012 election has made presidential politics personal. Declaring oneself (early) as an Obama or Romney supporter has become our Member’s Only Jacket. The undecided voters have been left on the sideline feeling like, while special on the inside, they lack the confidence to join the territorial dance… because they’re wearing their finest pair of imported and hand-made (China) shoes. (Tough on China so long as tough doth not impact my closet or gadget drawer!)

[… Let me briefly augment and clarify (not Mitt-Change-And-Muddify… over a billion served!) the matter of the Member’s Only Jackets: Mitt Romney supporters decidedly and definitely do NOT wear a Mitt Romney Member’s Only Jacket (hand made on the Upper East Side by an octogenarian of 4-fold generational tailoring heritage, and thusly, too F-ING expensive to justify its own existence). People at the Ryan / Romney Dance wear Anti-Obama Member’s Only Jackets. They position themselves as the anti-matter of Obama policy: destroy it out of existence! They still get into the Romney / Ryan dance holding that ticket, though – sister school and all … social obligations… arranged marriages to be discussed…]

We are protecting our cave; chanting, whoo-hoop-hoola-ing, and reducing our higher mental functions to one of fight rather than reason. Our primal-guts have placed one camp high atop one side of the valley, while the other is barely visible on the other (even though we live next door to one another – “You’re using the wrong side of the telescope again, GG.”). On the way to the 2012 election we became two caves, not just two camps; one with stalactites and one with stalagmites (both heavily coated in bat nasty and policed by philosophers shaking their shadowy heads).

When a Progressive Democrat and a Socially Conservative Republican are together in a room, humanity and congeniality share a knowing glance and politely sneak out the rear door. The behavior is territorial. It lashes out with maddening swipes, not ducking in with calculated jabs. It shouts, pounds its chest, jumps up and down, and screeches while rolling up on its toes – because intimidating the opponent is the highest priority for the inner political ape.

The inner ape is not a thinking ape. The inner ape looks at the other cave out of the corner of its untrusting eye. The inner ape starts every conversation asking itself (in ape language, or sign language if you believe apes are capable of such a thing), “Can I kick this other ape’s ass with or without requiring my femur bone tool?” The inner ape has ONLY an October surprise because its noggin cannot create the concept of self-aware and empathetic negotiation, nor have the foresight to see beyond the quarter-ending balance sheet (or quarter-ending score on the jumbo-tron).

On a whole, when interacting about the 2012 election: who will win the election, who will be president, who will run the country (money)… we have lost our humanity, our ability to reason, and our ability to thoughtfully address very, very important issues. Those who try to reason get shouted down and out. If someone talks facts, they get thrown down the drain. This election is no longer about who is the best person for the job, it’s about which group of apes can pound their chests the loudest, do so with the most vigor, and win followers by expressing nothing but disdain for any ape who is not part of their group.

…and the American voter is leading the way – driving the demolition car from the trunk, without eyes or a helmet. All we can dare to hope is that, once again, we will manage to evolve into reasoning (or reasonable) beings (… if you believe in such a thing).