Americans – and the world – have experienced many things since the eruption of President Trump. Some painful and some shameful. Here, we humbly offer our top ten.
100 Days Of Donald. 10 Things We’ve Learned:
- Job descriptions are irrelevant. Especially for family. Ivanka Trump: Nanny in Chief, Special Advisor To The Orange One, Presidential Temper Tantrum Tamper, White House Liaison To Sanity… but who cares: she’s totally hot! And in the double-digit-IQ politics of Republicanland, being rich and attractive are more important than experienced and capable.
- Meanwhile in Russia… Vladimir Putin thinks America is an ant farm. An ant farm with a flop-headed, chat-bag president who’s too insecure to admit he’s going bald, and who’s incapable of spending one weekend away from his $200,000 initiation fee Mar-A-Largo “friends” without his aluminum foil ego deflating like geriatric bag pipes abandoned on the 17th hole of a Scottish golf course by a freeballing drunkard named Fingal MacManly.
- We’ve learned that “American Exceptionalism” will be removed from the Oxford Dictionary next year. Likely candidates to replace it are: “Rural American Exploitationism”, “American Millennial Screw-It-I’m-Protest-Voting-ism”, or “Remember when America was a country?… ism”.
- Jared Kushner is either a prophet or a marketing guru. Either way, he is never seen in public without his snarky-ass, “Holy smokes, I married really well!” smile… anyone else just want to slap that guy?
- Who is America’s First Lady? No one knows. Seriously. We asked around. It turns out that Melania is just style article clickbait for republican fashionistas to accidentally stumble upon paid “news articles” (i.e blog posts) about her husband. We’ve lost track of how many times we’ve heard spoken aloud, “I was reading about Melania – who is sooo classy. And did you know she speaks, like, 10 languages? She’s so classy. I was reading about Melania when news about Trump popped up… but I didn’t really read the thing about him. He’s doing such a great job, though. Bless him. She’s so pretty.”
- Apparently, “must have been born very rich” is a requirement for getting a job as presidential advisor. If not born rich, someone meeting that criteria has to vouch for you, pay your Mar-A-Largo fees, sign in gold-flaked ink, and perform Donald’s secret handshake.
- “Twitter Donald” and “Photo Op Donald” are bipolar twins trapped in a bad movie in which Arnold Schwarzenegger refused to star. This duo is not unlike “Briefing Room Spitting Spicer” and his softy twin who emerges only when his boss isn’t watching, “Back Room Puppy Spicer”. None of these should be confused with the dominate force, “Daddy Warbucks Donald” who is currently on a ghost-written book tour.
- White Nationalism is much more alive and kicking in the United States than we thought it was. Nothing funny there, it just sucks. Trump and Steve Bannon should have their own scene in a remake of “American History X”.
- Investing $66 million for a presidential campaign pays back 10-fold in valuable market research. POLITUSIC has relatives in Kentucky who CANNOT WAIT! to stay in Trump’s new low budget hotels. Soon to open nationwide – sort of – only in areas that voted overwhelmingly for Donald Trump. But Donald isn’t directly profiting from his presidency or anything… the Trump family is totally on the level. In the lobby of Trump’s two-star properties: a constant rotation of QVC spots featuring the Non-First Lady selling branded bedding and frozen dinners. “For just three easy payments of $45, you, too, can drool on the same pillow as Donald J. Trump! Be a winner: buy now!“
- Reality exists only inside our own minds. We are The Truman Show being hosted by an elder orangutan with a hard on for younger women and gaudy-awful furnishings. Truth is what I say it is, and all who disagree are lairs. 100 Days of Donald has changed nothing in this country: April 17th, Pew Research found that 82% of republicans think Trump is doing a good job and is a decisive leader (even though most admit they don’t watch the news), while 93% of democrats think he’s an idiot who can’t tie his own shoes without his daughter’s “special assistance” to the president.
… that last one might count as a couple.
While sad and trapped, laughing helps just as much as resisting, so please share what you’ve learned from 100 Days of Donald.